Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
