we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
