Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
