dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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