She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
