Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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