I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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