areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
