Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
