I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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