can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Randomize
