Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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