I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
