dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
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