i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
