Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
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