just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
