I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
