Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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