So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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