I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
