I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Your penis caused this!
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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