the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
