My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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