Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
