he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
