Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
