I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
