dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
he shaved USA in his pubs
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Randomize
