Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
