Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
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