is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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