dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
