did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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