I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
