PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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