I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
