A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
