you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
