OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
