I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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