Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
