I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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