she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
The power of my boobs compel you
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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