Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
