Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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