You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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