What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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