Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
What's dad's email?
[email protected]
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
