Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
