I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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