Will you blow on my dice?
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
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