the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."�
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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